Ugly Haikus

#28

Wrecked, rusting car husk

Irritated dog on chain

Wall to wall carpet 

#29

They say a picture

Says 1000 words. 4 are:

Faded off the beans 

#30

Stupid depression

Thinks I won’t take us both out

With this percocet

#31

Mood compounded of 

lassitude, submission, guilt

emptiness, despair

#32

Lament the folly

Of longing for that which is

Unobtainable 

#33

Passive aggression:

pantomime fellatio

while rolling your eyes

 

Five Horny Haikus

#23

Slow fucking til dawn

I took a half she took the 

whole thing. Slow down. Baaayb–

#24

A doctor who keeps

Sad, dying men afloat with

Viagra and speed

#25

One thing you can’t know

In this life, is why you want

To sleep with weirdos. 

#26

I feel a hunger

Just like Eddie Money said,

“Take me home tonight!”

#27

Boys? OK, but I’m

One nice gay experience

Away from new life

Divorce Court: A Haiku

A terminal yawn

Air of injured righteousness 

Divorce Court: All Rise!

 

Read My Book

Read my book 

Read it on the train

Read it while popping your pussy at the club

Read it to condescend to me about my mental wellness

Read it and twist my words to propagate your own personal ideologies

Hold my book

Hold it for an instagram flick announcing your pregnancy

Hold it to showcase your individuality and literacy

I’ll come throw you a like. I’ll comment,

“Thanks for the love. Congratulations on the new member of your family.” 

Like a seal in captivity, clapping for you to throw rings on my neck

Talk shit about my book 

Call my book diet, microwave Richard Brautigan

But admit that I have badder bitches on my book jacket

Cuz everybody knows you ain’t poppin 

If your peers don’t talk shit about your book

Just friends who are girls

When I publish my poems

I’m gonna pose with my hot girlfriends

Like Richard Brautigan

Dick Riding Blues

To write a blues song: 

First state your problem

Now restate your problem, this time invoking the Lord

Offer a solution or consequence

Adlib about how your guitar is your only loyal friend

Elaborate on the solution/consequence

Use enjambment to undermine the solution/consequence

For example: 

I blew out my knee riding dick

The lateral collateral ligament 

Lord, I blew out my knee riding dick again

Lord, it was imminent

And my physical therapist got me  

Doin’ goddamn wall sits, time misspent 

At home we got nothin’ to talk about

All we do is fight and scream

Ain’t got shit to talk about

Just throw shit and scream

I’m limpin’ right out that door

Lord have mercy, no goodbye cheeks!

And I got a bad, bad feeling

My friends like him better than me

(That's alright I still got my guitar, look out now!)

Guitar Solo

He’s a real son of a bitch

Lord, I’m damn well through

My friends prefer his company

He more connected, it’s true

Yeah I blew out my knee riding dick 

And all my friends are dick riders too 

Pathetic Riff

Two haikus on rational behavior

Prefrontal cortex

Over the limbic system

A losing battle

An impossible

Aspiration not to hate

Or love anyone

 

A Collection of Haikus

Unbothered King

When someone hates you

Pretend you are Ned Flanders

Hi-diddly-ho!

I Hate My Presents

Thank you for the scarf

I will use it to muffle

My cries of anguish

Manners

Good manners prolong

Unwanted interactions 

Not worth the toil

My Condolences

I’m sorry your man

Pursued sexual congress

With all here present

Looking at a Medieval Triptych Painting with the Flu

I wrote 3 poems to catch up:

I

Conquered eyes, hostile smiles;

Fail to conceal rage

Over memories exiled

Of a bygone age

And displaced for those

Disgraced kings deposed 

Now restored their thrones

But in power all the while 

Singing loudly in reprise

Fantastical claims

Nostalgia weaponized

To shift any blame

And those living in this buffer

Have two choices to suffer

Convalesce or don’t recover

You can’t remain the same

II

See the fortress, monolithic

Past murky, bloodwarm streams

Wait while chalky soporifics

Stave off intrusive dreams

And the dawn sun’s lethal

Benzedrine breeze

Pushes errant clouds of diesel

Through its blackened beams

Some are hurled to action

To brag about their deeds

And overstate infractions 

Of the men on which they feed

I waterboard myself with a neti pot

Playing “It’s Dark and Hell is Hot”

Deciding if I want to rot

In mute resistance or in screams

III

Hearing pledges of allegiance

With no evidence to see 

In pretenses of the regents

Just hypocrisy

For all their close accounting

Of false threats mounting

It’s like a dream in which you’re drowning 

But discover you can breathe

To what degree of blindness

They stomach their reflections

Or questions in kindness

Given prickly receptions

Opportunities to learn 

Have diminished returns 

Don’t make it your concern

It’s all a matter of perception

First thing's first

There will be no further poems

Until I restore harmony 

To my root chakra

poem of the day

Poem of the day

Poetry has forsaken

My body and mind 

dialectics of desire - a haiku

I know what I want.

Do you know why you want it?

Good fucking question.

On the Fallacy of Divine Inspiration

We all need peace and quiet,

But it can be a little numbing

To learn the silence is directed at

You and your shortcomings

Your artless repetitions

Don’t hold up on the rewatch

And God looked away

To turn on Charles in Charge… 

His beard reeks of Backwoods 

Known to rock a heavy fog

In his blood stained Christmas sweater

Demons swarm the itchy arms

Ignoring your existence 

Until the evening’s gloam

Then charge your crystals, load your gun

Daddy’s coming home

 

I have a recurring dream

I have a recurring dream: 

I am at a boring party

Trying to eat guacamole

But the chips shatter in my hands.

I told my therapist 

And she hugged me

Like in Good Will Hunting.

Odin’s Out of Office Reply

Immense breaker of sunbeams, I climb

That cradles nine worlds and spans the sky

I’ll hang from Yggdrasil, spear in my side 

Upside down to gaze the bottomless void 

And all that lies in its shadows 

It’s not even my ultimate sacrifice 

Remember the time I bartered my eye?

This is how I spend my vacation time

Don’t mistake me for Jesus Christ, I’m

The Lord of the Gallows 

Nine seering suns and gale force winds

Roast and freeze my naked limbs

Til by bond of frost and bane of wood

I saw carved and colored with sacrificial blood 

The secrets of the runes 

Spewed from blackness, I take them screaming 

And fall to Midgard, burning, bleeding 

To remind humanity they’re beyond redeeming

Believe what you want to; life’s without meaning 

And nothing’s really true

Elegy for Chris Benoit

When it's time to fly home for the Pegasus Kid

Sometimes part of the night follows him in

Night from whence blood rains to mix

With pharmaceuticals and tears of Narcissists 

Chanting a hymn, desperate to memorize 

A prayer for heroes gone unrecognized

Eyes sinking South, neck bending East,

Canadian Crippler, Rabid Wolverine 

Submission maneuver in a final grudge match

Unhinged hips, slipped discs rattle in his back

Even Gods must pay to soar without limits

A heavy price to cast one’s lot in this business

Beneath a Texas Moon

Night sweats chest pain labored breathing

I heard a sound like human screaming

Wolves howling for blood on an open glacier

And chainsaws dismembering sorority sisters

Beneath a Texas Moon

Things it has never occurred to me to do

Make fine art 

Murder 

Floral arrangement

Burning man

The marathon 

Poppers

Mfa program