see you next year < 3

I return the way I left

Heavy booted

Swishing a whole body of rain bibs

Thigh to thigh and heel toe to be quiet

I am slink stepping the hallway and thinking about whether

I’ve lost the chance to seasonally savor

Citrus and whether it’s possible to

Be an adult body with no sexual baggage

What if I died and was reborn in this body

Fully grown but entirely unfamiliar 

And with no memory of how it grew and who touched it

I would discover so

Much

More than I hide from now and I would use the everyday and the natural

And I would perform it and keep it quiet and leverage it

Only for gut instinct North Star ocean wave

Loudest tip toe whisper shout

Sleeping sisters with doors cracked open 

I’m home from getting turned on at the movie theater

And waking the house with my clattering secrets

I wide arm crouch into the bedroom 

Toss off boot and rain suit

Set up the projector and blast a home video

Of myself at 23 packing to move out forever from

The house I grew up in

My best friend is with me and directing the sorting

What comes with me to the island

What stays in storage

What goes forever away

The material is gatorade bottles I filled with rum

And hid next to baggies of yellow dusty weed

Letters from high school plot points

Something sexy and embarrassing and my baby blanket

And my first CDs Shakira Bob Marley Kelly Clarkson Eminem

I played with dolls here and made them kiss

I had terrible sex here

I am sweating with the effort of getting it 

Out 

The woman I’ve woken offers me ice cream

And crispy cake almost cotton candy angel 

I have to brush my teeth twice

Before haze lifts and shows me

I am somehow here now 

Seattle, January 31, 2024

passed down

Punish the traffic cone with a glare

Bake up glory from fish and invite friends

Marinate in yogurt and roast memories of death

Succulent support and take out containers

Clean a corpse or read to it from a wise book

Camp on the beach and walk around in socks

Wait for winter to gatekeep city sex

Knot up a throat for the beauty of a wedding

Stop. Yearning.

Tell the truth fast

The way puddles reflect the sky

Upside down twice divided by horizon

No pause between thighs

Mulch on half the garden

What am I growing in the space between 

My concrete and my clouds

An abyss very sensitive

I only want a special entry

One that is grown and farmed

Coveted harvested planned for

Yearned up out of soil and groomed 

no one knows me like you and you don't know me anymore

Pieces of my teeth chip off

Tiny sharp edges

Smile change over time

Wanted to feel pleasure on the plane

Went to the left side bathroom with the window

A clear view of snow on mountains from above

If no one touches me ever again

Then rejection won’t be about the body

And how I live in it operate it freeze or get free 

Minnesota Chicago women see me shining

They’re an unfamiliar pizza in the bar at midnight

Much taller and at least a bit more beautiful than me

I played a guitar last week first time

I want to show you

You are nowhere to be found

I can tell the future

Break up with me!

I can tell you want to

Do it now before the meat thaws

And before I finish my painting

I’m doing blues and purples 

End things with me before I take my contacts out 

Do it before I resolve my anxieties in therapy

Do it before I cook for my family

Tell me before I start this garden project

Before my hangover fades

Before I get cranky

Declare you don’t love me anymore 

Write it down but offer to talk about it 

Say it to the beat of the dryer hum

Sing it to the pattern of a prank

Holler it over the slush of my bike in the puddles

Sew it into the lining of my hat

Kiss it over my cheeks and tell me I’m sweet

But you need a different kind of intimacy 

A kind I can’t possibly offer

Aging

The age of Aquarius promises me 

Some kind of shift and some kind of 

20 year improvement

My grandpas won’t live through it

It’s a relief that immortality is inaccessible 

The afraid and scrambled men in my family

Would harm so many if they knew they’d never die

stories from school

My student Eve is 12

And when it’s her turn to pick the music

She picks imagine dragons 

Every time

When it’s someone else’s turn

And she recognizes the song

She says

Oh I know this melody

Today, Calvin Harris

We dance together

Without speaking

Silent eye contact

My student Shem is 13

July cancer sensitive 

He chirps like a baby animal 

For every greeting

When I come in the lunch room

He says hi Owllie

I wonder how you’re doing.

And waits for my answer

When the robotics coding mechanism

Wasn’t working 

He hit his forehead on the wall

And wailed 

My student Jason is 13

And carries a paper with him that says

I said something wrong

But it doesn’t mean I’m a bad person

He tells me about his jealousy

And asks me if I ever feel jealous

Oh yes, I certainly do

It’s one of my least favorite feelings

My student Manus is 8

He calls me Cherry 

Or Seedling

Hi Cherry! Good morning Seedling!

He tries to surprise me 

Sneak up yell BOO!

If he doesn’t scare me he groans

And says well tell me how to do it next time

Educator’s vow:

I will do my best everyday

My students will survive me

kitty cat club

One more time you’re mine enough 

You see me across a dark but safe room

We are both drunk

I see your history hazy eyes that love me and remember

With one hand I lift my shirt to show you a nipple 

With the other hand I give you the finger

celestial

Women I love 

Up above the sun

Fall to earth softly

I’ll catch you 

Baby, squeal on citrus

Dip your head quick

Rivulet ripped swoop

Call me on the landline 

There's an app for that

Her moons are signified 

The teamwork it takes to not get pregnant 

Modern intimacy for ancient practice

Please hide it from me

I can’t bare witness I can’t bare you caring for her blood

Biology forcing gender into the woodchipper

Something about being the woman

You perform sperm responsibility for

Or the woman who helps you flip the sperm 

And invites you to the womb

Write her ovulation cycle on the whiteboard in your kitchen

So that it belongs to you both and anyone that comes to your house