First Zazen

Take off your shoes. Leave your jacket and hat. Go upstairs. Enter silence. Choose your place. Find your seat. Adjust. Breathe. Don’t look around. Maybe just a little. Listen. Breathe. Turn to page 48. Try to chant along. Pick up the tune. Carrots go up or down. Lines extend. Bow. Kneel down. Stand up. Bow. Kneel down. Stand up. Bow. Kneel down. Stand up. Take a seat. Adjust. Knees below the hips. Hear a list of names. An explanation. I don’t understand. Come with me if you are new. Go downstairs. I’m not the only one. Chair posture. Bench posture. Floor posture. So many pillows. They don’t call them that though. I like the bench best. Sit. Find a soft gaze. Don’t close your eyes. Notice. This sensation. Clothes on my skin. That sensation. Fluorescent light in my eyes. Breathe. Trace the breath. Hand posture. Thumbs barely touching. Holding infinity. Grounded. A string coming out the top of my head. Spine floating. Back aching. My knees will hurt eventually. Kosho. “What is it like to be where you are in your practice?” “Great relief.” Shoulders back. Thoughts will come. Let them go. Back upstairs. Grab a second pillow. Find my seat. Stack pillows. Sit on the front third. Knees below the hips. Hands in lap. Adjust. Ok breathe. Breathe. Body scan. I have to swallow. I do it. Was that too loud? Tongue gently on the roof of my mouth. Adjust. Try not to make noise. Left foot is gonna fall asleep. Let it. Back to breath. Left ear itches. Let it. Breathe. Thoughts will come. The thoughts are gushing. Start over. Back ache. Deep breath. Send the breath to my back. Left foot definitely asleep. “Do we always need to be fidgeting?” I need to fidget. Deep breath. Ok I have to switch my legs. As quietly as possible. It helps. Now I can breathe. Why do people keep going in and out of that door? What is behind that door? Stare at the ground. 6-8 feet away. Breathe. Back aching. Falling forward off the pillows. Unclench legs. Scoot back. Adjust. How much longer? Swallow. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe. Thought. Breath. Bow.