TRYING TO REMEMBER BLEEDING (1)

right on time, stuffed in board shorts boarding a plane to Disneyland, mom newly diabetic, cutting the line to get her a coke when her blood sugar crashed, staying in the carpeted basement flipping through photos of the woman her dad left her mom for. maiden braids, maiden dress, glue losing its stick. the smell of something that wants to move being asked to stay static. sharp agitation, containment, suspended between shapes. when did my mom get her period, i have to ask her before she dies, i ask her and she does not know. days of bleeding at school, soothing radiator, sweater of a sunset that masks the sweat, slumping flat to meet the carpet. ripples, disruption, quiver, alert, smothered. habit, method, contraction, the start of something that has no beginning, no end, nothing a robot or test could tell. the inconvenience of the remaining mysteries. denial also smells like rust iron yeast heat self, fermentation? churn, relinquish, cling. book about the blood boats, them bobbing about in the north sea of me. want to start asking, at least, why do i permit myself so far out of range? butterfly bathrobe ridden with moth holes. lost and found in the smallest plot of land, digging, plucking blossoms for a shallow bowl of water to catch the sun and close the loop. cursive eternity, belonging within. opened my eyes to a kind young goat’s face in the wood of the walls of the house built for a rich family's pleasure,  partially mine because it is not. on a cliff, the wind is strong, something comes through: smoke, rise, sourness. like alcohol rushing in fast, face blood less timid, surface planes flushing to signal world.